Former
lead singer of the legendary 222s,
arguably Montreal's first punk rock band, Chris is now a
freelance writer based in Montreal. You can check out his
writing at looselips.ca
where he combines the sardonic humour of David Foster Wallace
and the deliciously contrived irreverence of Anthony
Bourdain.
It
just irks you. You've been out on the town, got a decent buzz
going and the gods are telling you that it's time to donate
a heaping helping of spunk to some lucky barfly. But you're
not on your game, your jokes are landing flat and the broads
recognize you for the big loser that, deep inside your heart,
you already know you are. But it doesn't matter. You're sporting
wood that won't quit and going home to pull your pud or slip
it to your wife just ain't going to do it. What you need is
a whore and you and everybody else knows it.
So
if you’re in Montreal you walk to Ste-Catherine and St-Laurent
-- an obvious location -- to see who's out working. There are
the usual assortment of fat chicks and beastly transvestites.
You consider what it would be like to put ol' Roger into the
mouth of a shemale. Drunk as you are, you nevertheless decide
to save that experience for another day.
You
cruise on over to Ontario E., feeling dirty and digging it.
After a couple of trips around the block, you spot a streetwalker
who looks kind of clean and maybe even pretty. You know she's
got class 'cause she still has some of her teeth. You work up
the nerve to approach her and let her know you're looking for
a date. "Fine," she says, "it's $60 for a blowjob
and $120 if you want full service -- oh, and an extra $20 for
the room." You're floored! That's a lot of money for a
20-minute roll in the hay, teeth or no teeth.
"One
hundred and forty dollars" you shout. "Who do you
think you are, the Queen Mother?" Predictably, she gets
all self-righteous, tells you it's the going price and that
you would be smart to just keep on moving unless you're in the
mood to get killed by her boyfriend. So you approach a couple
of other girls and the process repeats itself. You give up and
go home discouraged. Your boner still rages, life is unfair.
What can you do?
TIPS
FOR JOHNS
Sound
familiar? Of course it does. But listen fellas, you don't have
to go through this humiliating ordeal. Go to your nearest search
engine that’s devoted to the culture of streetwalkers
and the fine citizens out there who engage their services. Functioning
as a sort of Consumer Report on sex workers, there are open
digital forums where Johns can exchange tips and advice on the
local streetwalking scene. It's a helpful resource if you're
just starting to learn the marketplace. They've even got a glossary
of streetwalker lingo so you can decipher all the latest whore
code and impress friends and relatives. Did you know that BLS
stands for Ballsucking? I'll bet you didn't. Or that YMMV stands
for Your Mileage May Vary?
But
the big question that's never far from anyone's lips is also
probably the most pertinent: just where does one go in Montreal
for that ever-elusive $30 blowjob? Well kids, all you've got
to do is log on, become a member (it's free) and you'll learn
from other interested parties that the area around Hochelaga
and Ontario currently offers a virtual smorgasbord of bargain
prostitutes eager to chow down for a bit of pocket change.
Now
maybe it's just my impression, but the digital pimping websites
seem to radiate a lot of love. The contributors really appear
to care for one another and are determined to make sure that
the John community is well-treated by our city's harlots. You
know, if a few of these posts are to be believed, some of these
sex workers can be pretty nasty sometimes and not all of them
are always 100 per cent honest with their customers
For
example, if you're concerned that you're paying for a girl but
really just getting blown by a guy with a wig on, then keep
your eyes open for Nathalie, a convincing transvestite who works
the Ontario Street circuit. Or even more diabolical, beware
the Japanese chick who works the peep shows downtown. Even though
she offers the best and most reasonably priced BBBJ's (Bare-Back
Blowjobs) this side of Papineau, she'll try to steal your wallet
with one hand while she warms your balls with the other. And,
by the way, that foxy blonde BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) down
over on Huron who looks like she's HM (High Mileage) is actually
anything but! In fact, she's LE (Law Enforcement) so don't go
anywhere near her unless you're feeling self-destructive and
hot to get busted.
WAXING
PHILOSOPHICAL
Contributors
also tend to wax philosophical about their hedonistic pursuits.
For example, Woodchuck -- a frequent contributor -- recently
shared a love experience he just had with a girl named Lynn.
On the advice of a taxi driver named Marcil (a great guy) he
went down to the Winston Churchill Pub to hunt for something
he could blow his wad into. Within a few minutes he met Lynn
(a real average-looking girl) hanging out at the bar and, after
consuming about $100 worth of drinks, they went back to his
hotel room and got off together. She performed the whole works
for him and Woodchuck reported back that it was like a GFE (Girlfriend
Experience), except that the whole package only cost him the
$100 bar tab--about one-third of what a professional would have
charged. He urged other contributors to consider going this
route some time as well.
Woodchuck
also said that Lynn was every bit as good as a hooker because
in the morning she got out of bed and left without even saying
a word to him. All for only $100! Apparently, she didn't want
Woodchuck to know her last name or where she worked or anything
at all that may lead him to find her again.
Gee,
it's hard to imagine why.
