KNOTS
FROM THE UNDERGROUND
giving babies the competative edge
THE CHIA CARTEL
by
GARY OLSON
_________________________________________________________________
Gary
Olson
is a member of the Political Science Department at Moravian College
in Bethlehem, PA.
Has anyone
else noticed the sudden scarcity of Ugandan Purple (UP) chia seeds?
If you can even find this elusive product it will cost you upwards
of $350 for a 12-ounce bag. And just yesterday, futures trading
in UP were suspended because all outstanding quantities had been
acquired by the shadowy, New York City-based Chia Cartel. What’s
going on? The answer involves pregnant women residing within Manhattan
and Brooklyn’s most affluent neighbourhoods.
We’ve
read about parents obsessed with getting their children into the
‘right’ college by getting them into the right ‘Baby
Ivy’ preschool ($28,000 a year), highly selective, private
kindergarten, and then the New England prep schools that feed
into the Ivy League.
Parents
are frantically hiring tutors — at $400 per hour —
to coach babies as young as eight months for play-date interviews
at top-tier nursery schools. Competition is intense with 100 applicants
for every dozen openings. Other parents are seeking a critical
edge long before giving birth. Enter Ugandan chia.
Recent
research confirms that the Ugandan variety, only grown in the
Luwero Valley’s optimal soil and climate conditions, is
the gold standard for obtaining the maximum benefits from chia’s
Omega-3 fatty acids. The posh set, well-versed in the science
of fetal brain development, knows that a child’s intelligence
and IQ are heavily influenced while still in utero.
The cerebral
cortex — location of thinking and remembering — requires
certain nutrients, especially during the last trimester of pregnancy.
The takeaway? Daily consumption of three tablespoons of UG powder
virtually guarantees these babies a 3-4 month head start at birth.
After
receiving an inside tip, I discovered that not only has the cartel
bought up all Luwero Valley farmland, but expectant parents are
methodically stockpiling UP. My interviewees acknowledged this
hoarding was as much to deny any advantages to other upper-class,
pregnant women as for their own consumption.
Asked
whether he had any qualms about engaging in this behaviour, one
Wall Street hedge fund manager replied, “To refrain from
cornering the Ugandan chia market, especially given our family’s
financial resources, would be tantamount to child neglect, being
irresponsible stewards of our inherited wealth and failing to
conscientiously pursue the American Dream.”
Gary's
Knots from the Underground Satires:
Refugees
Welcome
A
Satire on Impermissible Satire
Business
School for Psychopathic Predators
CIA
Seeks to Keep Fear Alive
Modest
Proposal: Franchising Beheadings
The
Zika Virus & Big Pharma
Also
by Gary Olson:
Cultivating
Empathy
On
the Birth of ISIS
Can
Capitalism Save Itself
Manufacturing
Memory
Unmaking
War, Remaking Man
Rifkin
and Singer
