KNOTS
FROM THE UNDERGROUND
wholesale rejection of immigrantitis
REFUGEES NOW WELCOME WITH ONLY A FEW CONDITIONS
by
GARY OLSON
_________________________________________________________________
Gary
Olson
is a member of the Political Science Department at Moravian College
in Bethlehem, PA.
Sen.
Jim Inhofe (R-Okla), arguably the most pitiless opponent of refugee
resettlement in the United States, has undergone a stunning change
of heart. In a tearful interview with Oklahoma City's KOFO-TV's
Channel 4 news, Inhofe said, "God spoke to me in a dream
last night and said, 'Jim, emigration to your own celestial home
depends upon your easing the way for the world's refugees to make
their earthly home in America. I'll leave the number and conditions
to your conscience.’ I dropped to my knees and said, ‘Okie
dokie, Lord.’”
Speaking
in a quavering voice, Inhofe told Channel 4 viewers, "I've
been sinfully tardy in asking forgiveness for my unchristian behaviour
toward the 20 million Middle East and North African refugees pining,
as we say down in Oklahoma, to be ‘livin’ in high
cotton.’ I'm fixin’ to introduce the Love Thy Refugee
as Thyself Act (S.1776), under which a full 100 Syrian, Iraqi,
and Afghan refugees will be admitted to the United States.”
Sen.
Inhofe, the former mayor of Tulsa, continued, "Unlike the
freedom-denying countries these people fled, we believe the responsibility
to succeed or fail depends entirely on individual effort -- in
this instance, freely pulling yourself up by your own sandal straps.
In that spirit, my bill starts with the refugee's free choice
whether or not to take advantage of this opportunity."
The
bill stipulates that all applicants have a GPS microchip tracker
implanted under their skin for monitoring by Homeland Security
for five years. Over that period, points will be awarded for various
acts of good citizenship and tallied up. Inhofe explained, "Those
model refugees who accumulate sufficient points will be eligible
for citizenship. Those who choose not to -- will be deported.
That's the American Way!"
A total
of 7,500 points, awarded by a combination of the following ten
opportunities, guarantees citizenship:
1) Enthusiastically agree to work in cinderblock-making factories
on the U.S. and Mexico border while living in a relocation
center. Points awarded by number of blocks contributed to
the new Freedom Wall (5 pts per block).
2)
Belt out all three verses of “America the Beautiful”
in unaccented American English (400 pts).
3) Cheerfully undergo baptism into the Christian faith, including
public renunciation of previously held heretical beliefs.
Sen. Inhofe confided that Pastor Billy Bob Gathers, Tulsa's
billionaire, mega-televangelist, has offered to perform this
sacred sacrament online for a one-time only, discounted refugee
rate of $99.99 (1,000 pts).
4)
Quickly volunteer as "replacement workers" in the
event of labour strikes (500 pts).
5) Shrewdly offer “womb-for-rent” at whatever
price the market will bear (Points determined by skillfully
demonstrating ruthless entrepreneurship; maximum 750 pts).
6)
Secretly file reports on any suspicious activity among other
refugees (35 pts per report, with bonus points for information
on family members).
7) Freely surrender one or more unneeded body parts to those
in need who occupy "essential command positions"
in the U.S. economy. (Kidney (700 pts), lung lobes (1200 pts),
eye (2200 pts)).
8)
Eagerly accept jobs that are too poorly paid to provide even
a minimum standard of living. The opportunities are endless,
from kill floor slaughterhouse workers, oil riggers, and orderlies,
to maids, fast food workers and pest control technicians (600
pts. Double points if the job opportunity is in Oklahoma).
9) Proudly display a Statue of Liberty tattoo on one's forehead
(200 pts b&w, 400 for r, w, & b).
10)
Diligently avoid protest activity on behalf of so-called ‘social
justice issues’ unless performing surveillance on other
refugees (800 pts for a clean, five-year record).
Those
applicants who reach 7,500 points will have their citizenship
documents signed and presented by the President in a White House
ceremony, unless the date conflicts with the Oklahoma-Oklahoma
State football game.
Finally,
casting an apprehensive glance toward the heavens, and perhaps
recalling his bargain with God, Sen. Inhofe urged the refugees
to begin amassing points as quickly as possible, "because
our remaining days on earth are known only to Him."
Gary's
Knots from the Underground Satires:
A
Satire on Impermissible Satire
Business
School for Psychopathic Predators
CIA
Seeks to Keep Fear Alive
Modest
Proposal: Franchising Beheadings
The
Zika Virus & Big Pharma
Also
by Gary Olson:
Cultivating
Empathy
On
the Birth of ISIS
Can
Capitalism Save Itself
Manufacturing
Memory
Unmaking
War, Remaking Man
Rifkin
and Singer
