KNOTS FROM
THE UNDERGROUND
business school for
PSYCHOPATHIC PREDATORS
by
GARY OLSON
_________________________________________________________________
Gary
Olson
is a member of the Political Science Department at Moravian College
in Bethlehem, PA.
The University
of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School is offering a
new course this fall: BUS 415: Concealing Your Psychopathic Identity:
The Secret to Becoming a Master of the Universe by Adopting the
Persona of an Empathic Individual. Intrigued by the title, I arranged
an interview with Dr. Howard Roark, Dean of the Wharton School,
and Prof. Maxine Moregreen, who is teaching the new course. What
follows are the verbatim notes from our conversation.
Roark:
This course title refers to the high percentage of our students
who are clinical psychopaths. And I say that with a mixture of
awe, envy and immense pride. Wharton’s MBA psychos eat the
lunch of Stanford and Harvard B-School students.
Me: You’re
not saying that Wharton is populating the world of high finance
with serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, or, god forbid,
people in the mold of Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the
Lambs, are you?
Roark:
(chuckling) No, no, nothing like that. Some 3-4 percent of the
U.S. population can be classified as psychopathic, individuals
totally incapable of feeling empathy or remorse and lacking any
social conscience. These psychopaths in suits are found at the
highest levels of government, business and the military. One of
every ten people on Wall Street is probably a psychopath. Heck,
I might be one but you’d never know it. (Roark displays
an enigmatic grin).
Me: So
this is your ideal applicant pool?
Roark:
Yes. We want these exceptional outliers to apply for admission
to Wharton. We then try to weed out any psycho wannabes who show
signs of “Empathic Distress Disorder” (EDD), or even
a scintilla of genuine concern for others. We show the applicants
graphic images of the loaded hold of a slave ship, pictures of
torture victims at Abu Ghraib, and photos of a dead baby washed
ashore from a sunken refugee boat. Any sign of empathic engagement
results in immediate rejection.
Me: Professor
Moregreen, tell us how your new course bears on this?
Moregreen:
Sure. I try to provide students with a public face that conveys
empathy. Psychopaths are almost always mistaken for normal people
but we’re all about removing any risk of discovery.
Me: How
do you do that?
Moregreen:
The best way to manipulate consumer behaviour is to leverage the
message, “We really care. We want to walk a mile in your
shoes.” If customers believe your brand truly cares about
them, they’re likely to adopt brand loyalty, and even become
brand evangelists.
In my
class I invite professional stage actors to portray optimized
empathetic behaviour. Another day, we watch the classic 1956 zombie
film The Invasion of the Body Snatchers to gain appreciation
for the challenges facing ‘pod persons’ as they try
to avoid detection by normal people. Not to drop names, but former
President Bill Clinton skyped with us, demonstrating the facial
expressions, voice inflection and hand gestures behind “I
feel your pain.” He’s a master.
Me: Your
attention to detail is impressive.
Moregreen:
I offer practical tips to convey undetectable faux empathy
to obtain the inside information for establishing trust. These
include: showing curiosity about their lives, asking questions
about hobbies, learning the names of spouses and children, and
using a mirror to practice that all-important warm smile. Depending
upon the situation, a hug and even a few tears can close the deal.
We caution our students not to engage in the latter behaviour
without sufficient practice to pull it off. It must come across
as spontaneous.
Finally,
passing the course requires performing a flawless impersonation
of an empathetic person. This is done before a focus group of
marketing and advertising executives, and, believe me, they can
detect a phony from a mile away.
Me: This
has been totally enlightening. Do either of you have a last takeaway
for our readers?
Roark:
For spring term, Professor Moregreen is offering an exciting new
course, MGMT 711: Social Impact Investing: How to Do (Very) Well
by Pretending to Do Good. It’s already oversubscribed!
Gary's
Knots from the Underground Satires:
CIA
Seeks to Keep Fear Alive
Modest
Proposal: Franchising Beheadings
The
Zika Virus & Big Pharma
Also
by Gary Olson:
Cultivating
Empathy
On
the Birth of ISIS
Can
Capitalism Save Itself
Manufacturing
Memory
Unmaking
War, Remaking Man
Rifkin
and Singer
