maxi pads over troubled waters
by
WENDI AARONS
______________
from Wendi's irreverent, highly entertaining
blog
http://wendi-aarons.blogspot.com
AN
OPEN LETTER TO JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTOR AND GAMBLE
Dear
Mr. Thatcher:
I
have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20
years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without
the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.
Have
you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well,
my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I
type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing?
As
brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you
must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman
Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of
all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my
letter.
Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are
you fucking kidding me?
What
I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything "happy" about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out,
man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir,
please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen
to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi
Aarons
Austin, TX
